What is it about past loves that always perk your interest? I’m not saying in a “I want to be with them,” kind of way, but a, “I want them in my life,” kind of way. When is that okay? When does that happen and not take over your personal relationship that you’re in at the moment? How do you find that delicate balance between the past and the present and not get greedy and want both at the same time? When do you stop loving the person you’re with and compare them to the person you want them to be, the one person that you can’t have, your past love? Is this something that you tell your significant other? How do you? “Oh hey babe, by the way, I started talking to my ex boyfriend. I told them that song on my album I said was for you, was actually for them. It’s okay that shared that with you, right? That’s not going to make you uncomfortable, is it?” Do you keep it a secret, and only talk via text message and facebook messenger; its discreet, they’ll never know! Where do you find your mind going when it wanders? To him, to her, to that first time you had sex, to that first heart-wrenching break up, or the much more jubilant make up? Do you take yourself back through the year in and year out relationship and fall in love with the little things that you remember? The way their hair fell on their face that time at the movies, that time your hands were really sweaty when you tried to kiss them for the first time, that moment in your parents basement when you realized that you were really going to have sex for the first time.
Or do you stop. And remember where you are and how you got here. Do you remember the countless nights spent alone in your bed racking your brain on what could have been. Do you remember how you hated them because they broke your heart, not once, not twice, but three times. Do you remember how you spent five years loving this person, the first real kind of love, the love that blinds you, lifts you up and smashes you down like the hammer of Thor.
That’s the love that we long for, that we spend all of our adulthood trying to find. Some of us find it, some of us will never stop searching, but in the end, we are all hopeless romantics, looking for our left sides to be our strongest sides.
I’m glad I found mine.